The NUMBER

Why does knowing the number have such an effect on me? It's such a mind game. Here, I've been happily going to the gym on a regular basis (3+) times a week for over a year and I've never once REALLY thought about the fact that I should probably be that dedicated to controlling what I eat as well. I don't eat terrible, but I do eat late at night and although I never eat all the cookies, I've been know to enjoy 2 (yes, one for each hand). and I love wedding cake. that is something else I never turn up...unless it's the kind with raspberry jelly filling in the middle. A little part of me dies when I see that. I think, "whhhhhhhhy???the potential. it looks so good. but no...ruined".
so my clothes all fit again. the newer-ly (now I know that's not right, but go with it) acquired ones are even too big (gasp). now that I can wear the clothes I wore before I had joshua, I don't want to wear them. hello. 2005 called and they want their too short of shirts and funky color of blue jeans back. time to shop. i should be more excited to go spend money. somehow in my mind I thought it would be more glamorous. it's not...it's just normal. there aren't big bands going off when I put my clothes on or random people stopping me in the streets. I'm ok with it, just years of thinking about it...thought it would be different.
so. sam and I went to olive garden today. they tried to ruin my meal. I didn't let them. I pressed forward and ate my chicken alfredo...even enjoyed it. But why do they have to put the calories right there on the menu? there should be a lift up tab available if some crazy person wants to ruin their lunch out with their brother. not me. even at taco bell. the menu board is so busy and confusing now. at first I thought they were saying the taco was 614 dollars...oh wait...those are the calories. phew. good news. the taco is still only 99 cents. too many numbers. too much thinking. overload.
ok, back to the number. it was actually out of peer pressure that I even weighed myself in the first place. I had to do it at the gym cause we don't own a scale. A couple of days before I did it (I felt like I was sneaking around too) I scoped out the area. the traffic flow. how big the display screen was. but, there was always someone up in my business (ok, innocently walking by, minding their own business...but still). So. I did it. I weighed myself. I can't honestly say how much I've lost because I don't have a beginning weight to subtract from. but a conservative number would be 20, probably really closer to 25 and 50 would be an outright lie. So, there is it. Knowing has made me kinda crazy. I liked myself better before I knew. After my two cookies (one for each hand) tonight I thought, "oh, I wonder how much I weigh now". CRAZY.


(and please to all my hundreds of followers out there...don't crash the website with all your 'congratulations' comments. I don't know what that would do to this already semi fragile funk that I am in)